And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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