I met the friendliest cop last night
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
