My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My ass is underappreciated
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
