just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
