He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
