So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
