I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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