Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize