I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
