So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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