I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
