she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
