I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
