i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
