so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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