The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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