wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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