i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
