I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
