Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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