Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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