I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
