My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
