Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
