We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
