I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Everyone says I win the strip club
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
