I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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