I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
