I'm going to jail i love you
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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