Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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