I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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