Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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