i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
