i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
