I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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