Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I would ride that face into the sunset
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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