Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
