we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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