but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize