so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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