We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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