did you get engaged???
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
