First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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