we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
