apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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