you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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