I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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