Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
