It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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