Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
