I will die if light touches me.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
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