Swine flu. Run for my life!
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
