be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
