i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
