I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
whose parrot is this?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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