I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
