haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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