bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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