she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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