yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
