were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
