shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
