I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
