Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize