I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
