He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
