Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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