"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
50% drunk capacity currently
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
