why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
