I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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