I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
